Extreme Emotion

How do I even begin to describe my deepest feelings, the emotion that goes on inside of me? It's as though I'm bursting with feelings that shoot in every direction. It's complete commotion inside of me, and I'm not sure I know how to handle it.. What do you do in this state? A state where you can hardly even think or make rational decisions, because your emotion has taken over and you can't even rest your mind.. a state where you can't understand yourself anymore.. A state where you just want to scream and cry in hopes that all these emotions will just dissipate.. Have you felt like this before?? I don't really know whats going on in side of me right now, but i can be honest by saying its painful.. how do i fix it? I know there's only one way and only one who can give me the peace that I am longing for, but why am i being so stubborn??! It's like I don't even want to go there, even though I know he can carry me through.. with him everything is lighter.. I need to stop being so stubborn and trust him, because i know he's got a plan through everything, even if i don't like where the plan seems to be going at the time.. So all these emotions, what are they? Why do we have to 'feel' things? Because HE feels things, He has emotions far greater than we could ever know and experience.. emotion came from Him. Our hearts are just so delicate towards emotions.. I think I need to take time in the day to breathe and really experience the emotion of God, the biggest one being His love for me (for all of us). Sometimes I think I forget.. God rejoices with us and cries with us.. and i know that one day he will wipe every tear from our eye and an inconceivable joy will exceed in our hearts..

"Dear God, thank-you for the gift of emotion.. that I am able to feel.. even if that includes pain and hurt, because I know that 'in you' joy will always follow."

3 wks back home already

I've been back home in Canada for about 3 weeks now. What a different world here than Lesotho... At times I feel like I've gotten right back into things, and yet I still feel like I'm adjusting - to ppl, culture, work, time and life here in general. Its difficult to explain to people around me how I'm really feeling. I've probably heard the question "How was it?" at least 50 times since I've been back. It's so hard to try and capture all that I've been through and experienced in the past 6 months that all I eventually end up saying is .. "It was good". I'm not exactly sure how to respond anymore as I'm full of mixed emotions and not sure where life will take me next. Transitioning seems to be an on-going process and I'm not really sure where home is anymore. I feel like I'm a different person now than when I left. It's almost as if I don't really have dreams or goals anymore.. wait.. maybe I still have dreams and goals.. I think they've may have just shifted in another direction. What I wanted 6 months ago doesn't seem so important anymore... So what is important then? Maybe I don't really know.. but I can say that I know WHO is important or what really matters in life. Why are we here? We have a purpose on earth far greater than we can see right now. God's given us purpose. He didn't create us for a thrill or just for kicks.. everything He created serves a purpose. I know God's got a dream for me, even if I don't quite know or understand it yet.. its there! So even though it's tough adjusting and getting back into the "easy life", I know that God has me here right where I am for a reason.. a purpose.

Back in Canada

Hey all. Well I've been back in Canada for approximately 3 days now and my head is still spinning - both from jetleg and crazy emotions! Oh how wierd it feels coming from a crazy busy life filled with early mornings, stressful situations, sick kids, long days, no sleep ... back to a place where you can almost hear the silence. I hardly know what to do with myself. I feel so useless, I want more. I'll admit to you that when the time came to leave I wasn't ready anymore. 6 months in Lesotho - eventually it started to feel quite homely.. the kids felt homely.. the friends were like family.. it was almost as if I didn't miss home so much anymore. I think I left a large portion of my heart there, hence I feel so lost at the moment. I can't help but thinking, "What now?". I know it's going to be hard for a while and take time to re-adjust to things back home, especially since I only long to be out there and don't necessarily WANT to 're-adjust'. I know I just need to trust God and remind myself that he is right with me 100%. As long as I let him be in control of the reins, He'll work things out for good. TRUST - what a big word... I miss my babies as well as the rest of the children at MIS. I am always comparing the time difference thinking about what they might be doing 'just now'. Their faces continually flash in my mind.. their smiles.. their little laughs.. I have memories that I have made in the past 6 months that will always and ever be dear to my heart. I worry about them sometimes, but God is a father to the fatherless and I know He will take care of them. He never needed us for anything in the first place.. He just chooses to use us as vesels sometimes, that is if we are willing. So for now, not knowing what's next or what God has in store for me - it's one day at a time.. for Him.. one day at a time!

1 week left...

Early mornings, sick babies, 3rd degree burns.. the list could go on.. i don't even know what to say anymore.. thats MIS for you... i don't think I'm ready to leave though, it's heartbreaking thinking about leaving the children.. i love these kids. All I can say is God will give m strength to say my good-byes and who knows where he will have me next!

On a happy note, Its so wonderful having family here and we have been enjoying showing them what we do here. Time is going by way too fast. NEXT WEEK!, thats so crazy...

But gotta cut this one short.
Sending out all my love!
Michelle

The little baby girl I will never forget...

Hello again friends and family. Monday was a very difficult for me and I'm not sure how to express what I've experienced.. Our newest baby girl who arrived about a month ago, has passed away. It's scarey how quickly life can be taken away, especially here in Lesotho. She was only 2.5 months old and the most precious thing in the world. My heart is broken, but God is holding the pieces together reminding me that she is with him - in a much better place. Mavis performed the funeral/burial today, it was only about 30 minutes long because it was an infant and she didn't have any family around. Different than home, thats forsure. I will miss that little baby's smile.. I wanted to express myself to you in a poem, to share my feelings in this experience.

The pink baby is gone now
and I'm at loss for words...
It hurts so much
and yet she wasn't even my own.
She was so special to me,
and just holding her each day was the best thing in the world.
Her beautiful eyes -
so oblivious to the world around her.
The way she grasped my finger,
the way she smiled and coo'd
everytime I looked at her...
Her little heart pumping so fast
She was so strong
...yet not strong enough
A part of me wants to scream
Why God? Why have you taken her?
But at the same time
joy is present...
because I know she is in daddy's arms
And what a better place to be
than in the presence of our God?
Life is different here...
to them it's almost normal,
death is normal.
It's difficult to comprehend
as we've been more than blessed
Thoughts are scattered
throughout my head and my heart
What else can I say,
but rest in peace little baby
You were loved...

Thank-you for all your support, i will see you again soon!

Busy busy busy

Busy busy busy..
Nope, life hasn't slowed down much here. In fact, things at MIS seem to be a lot busier lately. Doing all the doctor/hospital visits, I am often at the center early in the morning (forsure by 6:30am) and gone all day. The days are long and exhausting. And often once I am back at the center by afternoon, I am wanted here or there so I am constantly on the go. We have a new volunteer who started towards the end of last week. She's doing alright. She's young and never done anything with kids or away from home before so it may take a little while, but eventually she'll get the hang of things. We are having more issues with a young mother who is still at the center.. oh its so difficult. Last friday, i was told she was looking for me, and when i found her she was crying so much I hardly knew what to say.. I don't think I've ever seen someone here cry as much as she was. She was hurt and upset and saying many negative things about herself.. it was hard for me to hear. She talked about how she wanted to just kill herself and wishes she was never born. She was super upset.. I was constantly praying for wisdom as I did not expect any of this. Not to mention she's 5 months pregnet so poor girl has got crazy emotions right now as it is. I tried mt best to encourage her and keep her positive. I prayed with her for quite a while and talked about different possible solutions to her problems and I that calmed her down quite a bit. She was still pretty distraught though. She is not necessarily "wanted" at the center, plus she doesnt have immediate family she can go to. She is going through soo much for being a 19 year old girl with a 18 month old, and another one on the way. Anyways we are trying to figure things out with social welfare - please pray that we can find a good place for her where she can be positive and care for her children. It's pretty stressful. On a happy note about this young girl, THIS WEEK I got the opportunity to share Christ with her! Did I expect that to happen? No, not at all. To be honest - I thought being in a country where God seems to be in everything, that she would know everything. How blind was I?! Anyways, we had to walk to social welfare on monday, and for some reason i felt something inside pushing me to talk to her about God. Of course I kept telling myself "no, i dont want to. im scared, i dont know what i would say." But then i was reminded "I'll give you the words to say".. so i listened to this and i now know that it was obviously the holy spirit telling me to do so. I asked her if she knew what it meant to be a christian, she said no. I asked her if she believed in God, she said yes. I asked her if she knew who Jesus was and what he did for her, she said no. Right there, OPPORTUNITY screamed out at me. I knew then that there was no turning back, God has placed me there at this time to share Christ. So I did. I dont even think I can remember everything i said, because I know God was speaking through me. Because I chose to obey him, he used me. I guess sometimes we think its much more difficult than it really is. We are not doing anything on our own, as long as we trust him and allow him to use us, he will. I am confident that God got through to this young womans heart and that I will one day see her again in heaven, which gives me great joy in my heart:) She was very interested and so happy to hear about the story of Christ - I just can't believe she never knew... She told me she wanted to have Jesus in her heart and that she would pray and ask him. Oh what a happiness I felt that day and still feel. To be honest I have never really taken that kind of opportunity to share the gospel with someone besides young children. I will continue to pray for this young woman and hope that she will hold Jesus dear to her heart:) Anyways, there's my highlight for you! This week, I've also done a hospital visit with the new baby - had to get a chest x-ray. Tomorrow I head off to the Baylor Clinic again with her to go over the results. I will also take another toddler (Kabalo) to get tested tomorrow. Busy day again as usual. Only 10 days till I see my mommy, Yaaaaaaaaaa:-) We are really looking forward to their visit, although that means its getting closer to the time that we have to say good-bye... I'm starting to wonder if I'm ready for it. Going to feel empty without all our kids.. But anyways, thats about all I got for an update now! Please keep us in your prayers.
God Bless, *HUGS*
Love Michelle

Only 6 weeks left, isn't thats crazy?!

Well hello again everybody! Its been a while since I've written in my blog. We've definitely had a busy past couple weeks. As I'm sure most of you already know, Wilma, Elizabeth and Sylvia are back at home now for a while. It feels a little empty and lonely here without them. We miss them. Things at the center are going alright. Last week we got 2 new children, sisters. A little baby (Tatwetsi) that is 2 months, and Ntsepiseng who is 7 years old. I'll put pictures up. They are both very beautiful little girls. Pray for the health of the baby. She seems to be doing good and eating well. If she can survive these next couple months of winter, she's a strong baby and will likely make it through life at MIS. School is out now for winter break so it's going to be a little more crazy there these next few weeks! I've done a whole lot in the store room with clothing/shoes sorting, so things are looking much more organized. Sadly we havent been able to make it out to sell the clothes, so hopefully people will come to us or someone will take over when I leave. We've got a volunteer who is working on building tiled showers for the kids. These rooms used to be the old toilets, but they were horrible and the plumbing wasnt right so new outdoor toilets were built last year. It will be very nice once the showers are completed, the kids are very excited. It's not always the funnest thing bathing out of a washing tub - especially when it's cold. We received ore money for the property fence so that will be great once it is finished. No more random people wandering through the yard, including drunks. We finally got a nice floor mat for the baby room, so we can get rid of that digusting old rug which has a little of everything on there from poop to puke to food.. you name it! This new mat is further from the floor for warmth, it's softer to sleep on, plus easier to clean! The room smells much nicer now. We are still lacking in caregivers, so the ones we have are always very tired and over-worked. We do have a young girl coming next week to volunteer for 3 months so that will be nice - although its a shame she cannot stay longer. We will train her in the baby room so that she can help 'Me' MaDanke when we leave. We do have another girl coming in October and another in January. But still, this is not enough volunteers as many of us will be leaving in July. Please continue to pray for these situations (volunteers & caregivers), the children need them. Well, Annie and I have pretty much got 3 of the toddlers potty trained now, and we are working on #4! Fun fun:-) Neo (9 months) has just started crawling - crazy little boy is into EVERYTHING now! haha. It's pretty funny how they 'tell on each other' too when they do things they are not supposed to - like taking things out of the garabage. Oh funny children.. I love these kids. Each one is so precious and unique, with their own sweet little personality.. we will miss them so much!! I'm taking over a couple of the hospital/clinic visits now that Sylvia is gone. Its not bad, but tiring. You want to be there before they open so you can get in line, and even then things take a good 4 hours! We can praise God that we do not have any children who are sick at the moment, besides the common cold. Not bad for about 100 children hey? I can hardly believe how fast our time here has gone.. out of 6 months we only have 6 weeks left! Time sure doesn't slow down. I'm looking forward to coming home, but I am not looking forward to saying good-bye. I know from last time, that we will feel empty for a matter of time.. Pray for our strength when we leave and when we adjust to life back at home again. We are really looking forward to our visitors in July though! My mom, Annie's mom, and Jeanette. I think it will be easier to leave with them as well, and we can start detatching ourselves from MIS slowly until we leave. This experience is unforgetable.. I will always hold these children close to my heart and pray that God will take care of each one of them - I know He will. He doesn't NEED Annie and I, or anyone else to accomplish His will.. He choses to use us if we let Him. So thank-you for your continuous prayers and support. I miss you all, God Bless!