Fall has arrived..

The leaves are changing color and there's a coolness in the air.. fall is here. Although we are still having warm days with beautiful sunshine, the moment it's gone you feel the chill of the autumn season. This is my favorite season, I can't help but feel inspired by all the beauty!!

Yesterday was my 3rd week of Junior Youth. It's going well and I'm really enjoying the kids. Although I do have a pretty large small group of grade 6 girls (11 of them) by myself, so it's a little tough to get their attention and keep them on track. Pray for me that I can have an influence on these young girls and for patience as I'm sure I'll need it!

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past while as where I want to go from here... Do I want to go back to Lesotho? Do I want to do missions elsewhere? Do I want to travel? Do I want to stay in Grande Prairie? What do I really want to do? Where is my passion and what should I do with that passion? Well I know where my passion is.. it's kids! Kids need people in their lives that can influence and encourage them. They need people who see value and purpose in their lives. They need people who love them! I earnestly believe God has given me a gift with children and I want to be able to use that for His glory.. wherever I am.. whether that be here or across oceans.

As of just recently, I have enrolled into an online home-study program on "Child Psychology". I really look forward to getting started and learning more! Whether I decide to further this into a career or not, I know that it will benefit me as I work with kids now and most likely in the future.

So I think I'm going to be pretty busy this fall/winter. Two jobs, junior youth & schooling! But I'm happy with everything I have committed to and I tend to be one of those people who enjoys being busy anwyays :) I just have to make sure not to overdo it and take time to relax.. that can be a tough one for me sometimes!

Until next time...

Life back in the homeland so far

Guess it's been a little over a month now since I've returned from Lesotho. Time has gone by quite quickly, but it definitely hasn't been the easiest month. As in my last blog entry, the emotions I have experienced since being back have been crazy. It feels like a whole year of emotion was just summed up in about a month. I don't think one day has gone by that I haven't thought at least once about the kids back at MIS - oh how I miss them so much!! 6 months there.. they became my life, my family.. and it hurts to be apart from them. But all things happen for a reason and if that is where God calls me back, then I'll be there. If not, then I have to accept that too. I had a wonderful conversation this afternoon with a lady from my church whom I used to teach sunday school with. She asked me questions about my trip and challenged me to think deeply about some of the things that I experienced there. I look back and can see how God not only used me, but changed me... Listening to my own words coming out of my mouth made me realize how much I really did change and how much God worked in my heart - teaching me patience, gratitude, how to love unconditionally, maturing me.. but most of all he taught me how to trust Him in everything. In North America, we get so caught up by things in this world that we don't have time for God. Then difficult situations come along and we just can't seem to trust God, we feel like he has left us. In reality... WE are the ones that have left him. We need to learn to trust God in every aspect of our lives, whether things are going great or not so great. If we can learn to trust God in the simple realities, then we can learn to trust God in the difficult times. Anyways, God's just really shown me a lot.. about life and also about myself. I guess I was just reminded of these things today while talking to this lady. It's funny how God randomly brings these people into our lives. She was my extra dose of encouragement I needed today and she got the passion in my heart stirring! I'll admit the first while being back it's hard not to feel useless considering everything I had been doing recently in Lesotho. But I know that I am where I am for a reason. As long as I am following Christ and 'TRUSTING' Him, He will use me where he wants to use me. I've committed to serving my wednesday nights now in junior youth at our church and I'm excited to have fun and build relationships with the kids! As for a day to day life for me.. I'm back working at Trinidad - the same office I worked at prior to Africa. I'm also working a second job at the Ten Pin Bowling Alley which I worked at last fall as well. I'm enjoying my jobs and am thankful that I am blessed enough to have work. I guess thats all I got for tonight!

Extreme Emotion

How do I even begin to describe my deepest feelings, the emotion that goes on inside of me? It's as though I'm bursting with feelings that shoot in every direction. It's complete commotion inside of me, and I'm not sure I know how to handle it.. What do you do in this state? A state where you can hardly even think or make rational decisions, because your emotion has taken over and you can't even rest your mind.. a state where you can't understand yourself anymore.. A state where you just want to scream and cry in hopes that all these emotions will just dissipate.. Have you felt like this before?? I don't really know whats going on in side of me right now, but i can be honest by saying its painful.. how do i fix it? I know there's only one way and only one who can give me the peace that I am longing for, but why am i being so stubborn??! It's like I don't even want to go there, even though I know he can carry me through.. with him everything is lighter.. I need to stop being so stubborn and trust him, because i know he's got a plan through everything, even if i don't like where the plan seems to be going at the time.. So all these emotions, what are they? Why do we have to 'feel' things? Because HE feels things, He has emotions far greater than we could ever know and experience.. emotion came from Him. Our hearts are just so delicate towards emotions.. I think I need to take time in the day to breathe and really experience the emotion of God, the biggest one being His love for me (for all of us). Sometimes I think I forget.. God rejoices with us and cries with us.. and i know that one day he will wipe every tear from our eye and an inconceivable joy will exceed in our hearts..

"Dear God, thank-you for the gift of emotion.. that I am able to feel.. even if that includes pain and hurt, because I know that 'in you' joy will always follow."

3 wks back home already

I've been back home in Canada for about 3 weeks now. What a different world here than Lesotho... At times I feel like I've gotten right back into things, and yet I still feel like I'm adjusting - to ppl, culture, work, time and life here in general. Its difficult to explain to people around me how I'm really feeling. I've probably heard the question "How was it?" at least 50 times since I've been back. It's so hard to try and capture all that I've been through and experienced in the past 6 months that all I eventually end up saying is .. "It was good". I'm not exactly sure how to respond anymore as I'm full of mixed emotions and not sure where life will take me next. Transitioning seems to be an on-going process and I'm not really sure where home is anymore. I feel like I'm a different person now than when I left. It's almost as if I don't really have dreams or goals anymore.. wait.. maybe I still have dreams and goals.. I think they've may have just shifted in another direction. What I wanted 6 months ago doesn't seem so important anymore... So what is important then? Maybe I don't really know.. but I can say that I know WHO is important or what really matters in life. Why are we here? We have a purpose on earth far greater than we can see right now. God's given us purpose. He didn't create us for a thrill or just for kicks.. everything He created serves a purpose. I know God's got a dream for me, even if I don't quite know or understand it yet.. its there! So even though it's tough adjusting and getting back into the "easy life", I know that God has me here right where I am for a reason.. a purpose.

Back in Canada

Hey all. Well I've been back in Canada for approximately 3 days now and my head is still spinning - both from jetleg and crazy emotions! Oh how wierd it feels coming from a crazy busy life filled with early mornings, stressful situations, sick kids, long days, no sleep ... back to a place where you can almost hear the silence. I hardly know what to do with myself. I feel so useless, I want more. I'll admit to you that when the time came to leave I wasn't ready anymore. 6 months in Lesotho - eventually it started to feel quite homely.. the kids felt homely.. the friends were like family.. it was almost as if I didn't miss home so much anymore. I think I left a large portion of my heart there, hence I feel so lost at the moment. I can't help but thinking, "What now?". I know it's going to be hard for a while and take time to re-adjust to things back home, especially since I only long to be out there and don't necessarily WANT to 're-adjust'. I know I just need to trust God and remind myself that he is right with me 100%. As long as I let him be in control of the reins, He'll work things out for good. TRUST - what a big word... I miss my babies as well as the rest of the children at MIS. I am always comparing the time difference thinking about what they might be doing 'just now'. Their faces continually flash in my mind.. their smiles.. their little laughs.. I have memories that I have made in the past 6 months that will always and ever be dear to my heart. I worry about them sometimes, but God is a father to the fatherless and I know He will take care of them. He never needed us for anything in the first place.. He just chooses to use us as vesels sometimes, that is if we are willing. So for now, not knowing what's next or what God has in store for me - it's one day at a time.. for Him.. one day at a time!

1 week left...

Early mornings, sick babies, 3rd degree burns.. the list could go on.. i don't even know what to say anymore.. thats MIS for you... i don't think I'm ready to leave though, it's heartbreaking thinking about leaving the children.. i love these kids. All I can say is God will give m strength to say my good-byes and who knows where he will have me next!

On a happy note, Its so wonderful having family here and we have been enjoying showing them what we do here. Time is going by way too fast. NEXT WEEK!, thats so crazy...

But gotta cut this one short.
Sending out all my love!
Michelle

The little baby girl I will never forget...

Hello again friends and family. Monday was a very difficult for me and I'm not sure how to express what I've experienced.. Our newest baby girl who arrived about a month ago, has passed away. It's scarey how quickly life can be taken away, especially here in Lesotho. She was only 2.5 months old and the most precious thing in the world. My heart is broken, but God is holding the pieces together reminding me that she is with him - in a much better place. Mavis performed the funeral/burial today, it was only about 30 minutes long because it was an infant and she didn't have any family around. Different than home, thats forsure. I will miss that little baby's smile.. I wanted to express myself to you in a poem, to share my feelings in this experience.

The pink baby is gone now
and I'm at loss for words...
It hurts so much
and yet she wasn't even my own.
She was so special to me,
and just holding her each day was the best thing in the world.
Her beautiful eyes -
so oblivious to the world around her.
The way she grasped my finger,
the way she smiled and coo'd
everytime I looked at her...
Her little heart pumping so fast
She was so strong
...yet not strong enough
A part of me wants to scream
Why God? Why have you taken her?
But at the same time
joy is present...
because I know she is in daddy's arms
And what a better place to be
than in the presence of our God?
Life is different here...
to them it's almost normal,
death is normal.
It's difficult to comprehend
as we've been more than blessed
Thoughts are scattered
throughout my head and my heart
What else can I say,
but rest in peace little baby
You were loved...

Thank-you for all your support, i will see you again soon!